DARLINGS FOUND MURDERED! Local Seattle Area Author Reportedly Confesses to the Grisly Cover Up.
–Seattle, WA by Chad Ehler, Sept. 2013
The manuscript chewing world was aghast at what insiders are calling a chilling form of serial alphabet killer. The lives of multiple, beautiful, eloquent, mellifluous, and clever darlings were cut short today, the apparent victims of “the editorial psychosis of an overzealous debut author.”
One unnamed authoritative official described the gruesome site:
“All the computers were left on — the dim of all the anguished screens was a wretched display. Blood red ink was splattered everywhere. Some of the darlings were literally rubbed out of existence, and erased forever. Having used a Sharpie to cut a darling, it left a hideous dangling modifier. I just about double-backspaced and over-hyphenated my colon upon seeing this total write-off.”
Authorities collected evidence and confiscated the author’s “enter” key on his laptop. “He’ll never use that key to get into this manuscript again,” said one source identified only as, Roman Aclef, to protect his identity.
When pressed for a comment, the accused and traumatized author repeated the same words: “I see dead lines. I see dead lines. I see DEAD LINES!” The author’s agent, Paige Turner, was on hand to comfort him in his time of shock and grief. She was overheard saying, “What you did was write. I can all but guarantee you a book deal now.”
The lead prosecutor released this bold statement:
“This author is indeed an alternate and shifty fellow who has clearly lost control of his functions. He’s entered our space now with no escape and no end in sight. He will not capitalize despite his best efforts. There will be no Windows where he’s going. He’ll never return to the Surface. You can take my Word on that. Period. End of sentence.”
Still, the author’s fate remains largely in the hands of his audience. Newly revised sentencing guidelines require a mandatory punishment — the very public exhalation of the author’s breath by elocution before the worldwide reading community. But will the author’s firm conviction in his actions lead to the imminent publication of his manuscript?
We’re keeping tabs on
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